confession?
2001-08-23 - 1:11 a.m.
i want to tell him
i want to tell him everything
i just don't have the balls.
i'm thinking that if i'm drunk, i'll be able to tell him. the only problem... he'll assume it's all cuz i'm drunk -- the whole story. maybe i'll be able to convince him to drive me between snaps' and sperkward's parties. i'll let him drink after we get to the second one and then we can crash there for the night, but i wanna get drinkin' a.s.a.p. so i can work up the guts. in fact, i think i'll wait until we get to the second party to say anything. maybe i can get him a little tipsy there.
half of me hopes for a reaction (other than the total rejection of a friend), but the other half knows that it's stupid to hope for one. it probably wouldn't have happened at any point, tho it seemed like it before.
this at a time when i seem to be the most beautiful woman on the planet. even women seem to think so. except for him. like i can get away with murder with everyone else, but not with him.
and then there's something else. how would xongo react to all of this, if i get a reaction from malecide or no? should he even know if i get no reaction? how would i tell him if i got a reaction?
at this point, i don't care. i just have to get it off my chest. it's finally to a point when i don't think i have anything to worry about, so i need to take advantage of it without ruining a friendship.
friday, there will be much alcohol consumed by me...
