counciling and the dark kiss
2002-06-04 - 4:10 p.m.
okay diary... it's time to listen again.
i think freakboy's trying to council me through something i have under control. i happened to mention to him about my reading xongo's latest entry and being frustrated. now freakboy must think i agonize over it day in and out. honestly, i don't. i really feel terrible and worry that i might treat him the way demimetal treated me (when i was still in love and not vice versa), but these feelings just come and go when brought to my attention. not freakboy wants to talk this afternoon when he gets off of work. he usually gets right online as soon as he gets home, so i'm just waiting.
i probably have about a 20 minute wait as soon as i get done with this entry.
i can't talk about what i really want to talk to him about until i see him face-to-face and we're alone. he's so strong and doesn't realize it. everytime the subject comes up after we had our playtime in the cemetery, i do my best to encourage him w/o telling too much. i really want to work with him and tell him all the abilities he could have. before that night in the cemetery, he would've been unreceptive. thankfully mallet queen had a talk with him. she's so much better with words than i. (whatever sickness she has right now is good at giving her the brick wall i experience naturally, but is also good at helping her propell over it.) i'm wondering if i should send him on a path that would take him along mallet queen's, sprite's, and merlin's. that way they could help him along the way. or should i pull him along mine? i don't know if he would be responsive. even though we're freaks in similar ways, explaining what's trapped inside my brain is so difficult, and freakboy always has trouble. i think mallet queen is the only one who is now able to understand the gibberish dripping down my chin...
while i'm on the subject, diary, i'm sorry about my gibberish...
i had a wonderful diary all planned out saturday night on the way home from cinderella's palace. oh, how verbose it was going to be. flowery and emotional. with concrete descriptions and tangable ideas, so unlike my usual entries of drizzly shit. and then, of course, it was gone by the time i got to the computer. not only did it take me too long to get home, but my mother was (as usual) occupying it. (my computer is still at school, so i'm forced to share my parents' computer with my mother, who is always on it playing computer games, while holding to the mantra that she doesn't like playing computer games. she always claimed that she wouldn't want to play solitaire on the computer because she likes to actually feel the cards in her hands when she plays. guess what...) so anyway, my entry was about my feelings of inadequacy; as a friend, as a woman, as a human being, etc. it was about wanting (again) to disappear out of human acknowledgement. freakboy, remember how quickly i answered you when you proposed the dark kiss?
