doubts. dismay. depression.
2002-06-10 - 1:48 p.m.
i really need to get a laptop and start carrying it around with me everywhere. i'll have these epiphanies in writing while i'm out somewhere and have no place to write them down. by the time i get to a 'board, it's gone...
i'm having this really strange feeling all the time now.
i find myself being pulled towards things i cannot and will never have. as if i don't grab them now, i'll lose them forever. and when i make the realization that these desires are impossible, i have this sense of loss, as when you don't try hard enough for something, which, in turn, slips through your fingers.
now, as i metioned before, these are things i could not have possibly had in any way, shape, or form. usually i get this longing after i truely lose things. as when i'd lose a boyfriend or a chance at having a boyfriend. especially at losing a chance at having a boyfriend. months of dreaming and wishing, hoping yet doubting to get a chance to do more than light flirting with a particular guy. and then at the exact moment when the chance presents itself, all those wriggling doubts cover the surface and resemble the body of a chicken. thus, any hope and heart are broken, and the dismay sets in, residing with the awareness of yet another lost chance. then the moping ensues. weeks of slumping around the house, wondering what could have been.
take this scenario, and compress it into a half an hour. repeat as necessary every few hours. this has been my life as of late. and about whom, you might ask are these dramas taking place? actors, celebs, musicians. a random actor who has a magnetic smile or electric eyes -- pools of light that draw you in. sometimes just the character that these actors play. these men that just draw me in, to whom i will never belong or with whom i will never have a chance.
a sense of longing. a sense of loss.
a wash of depression -- fuck, i thought i was over that.
maybe it's just because i need something to do. i'm sitting here at home, waiting for my sister's wedding, and unable to wait to get back to my apartment. that time can not come soon enough. oh, i love my parents dearly. to a certain extent. once you go a year in your own place away from your parents, a month-long visit back at your parents' feels like a year-long hell. i'm having trouble finding things to do away from my family during the day. night-time is no problem. tiger and i go out the the bars and the clubs. bj and i are going to go see a show on wednesday night. and the thursday before kitten's wedding, we're taking her out on a bachlorette's night on the town down at the bars on the landing.
but days, it's just me and me mum. i love her and we have a good time together, but there are just some ways my personality just doesn't jive with hers.
and she so wishes that i could be in all summer...
