doubts
2005-03-03 - 4:50 p.m.
i'm not sure i know what to do.
on one hand i want to get in a conversation with amadeo to find out why we're still together. on the other hand, i want to ask him to move in with me.
i know my temper and my being high-strung drive him nuts. his comments and thinly-veiled jokes make that painfully obvious. i don't understand how he can love and be with someone who has character traits that drive him nuts. and they aren't just minor traits in the toilet seat vein. these must be major issues. after all, he's so laid back and i just explode. i threw the fucking gamecube controller, for christ's sake! he must get so annoyed with me. i can see how my having temper tantrums like this could keep him from wanting to make this a permanent relationship. so why does he say he loves me? is he not thinking of the whole me? is he just seeing the "me" in his arms and not the "me" who was yelling because she couldn't fit his drums in her car? and if i have personality issues that keeps him from making this relationship permanent, why is he still spending time with me? why hasn't he admitted that the relationship won't work and given up?
and can you imagine me having this conversation with him, getting him to soul-search to see if he really loves me, to doubt why he's still with me, and then follow it up with asking him to live with me?
even forgetting the previous rant, i just can't bring myself to ask him. i know i'm afraid. afraid of him turning me down. afraid of our relationship being "weird" after he turns me down. afraid of him accepting! afraid of our parents' reactions.
i can think of many reasons why he would turn me down: "i'm just not ready." "i've seen your housekeeping (in)abilities -- no thanks." "you're too high strung." parents' reaction. not sure if he feels strongly enough about me. etc.
i just don't know what to do. i'm so happy when i see him. i'm finding myself just as excited to see him now as i did when we first started dating. i look into his eyes and smile. i watch him interact with his friends and family and LIFE and i feel proud to know he's the one i kiss and i'm the one he holds at night. he's the one who makes me feel beautiful though i'm ten pounds overweight. he's the one who makes me feel beautiful BECAUSE i'm ten pounds overweight. my eyes never leave his. i think of no other man. he's the only one can think of when i'm lonely and longing for attention. i don't desire his body. i don't desire his roving hands. i don't desire his loving eyes or his wet lips.
i desire amadeo.
he's all i think of.
he's all i want.
and i just hope he truly wants me.
