fascination
2002-04-03 - 11:49 p.m.
sigh.
life could really get worse.
but as it is, it's pretty shitty.
i've gone back to that floating stage. it was malecide that pulled me out of it, and now it's he who is letting me slide back in. or shall we say, he is the reason for my boyancy.
but it's good. sprite and mallet queen are out in the living room doing their thing. i'm happy for them that they're able to be in close contact with their soul mate. the romantic in me wants what they have -- the small coven. the women's connection. but my way works for me. i'm in total control of my energy and totally aware of its boundaries. i keep control and track of my self and power.
...and thoughts and feelings.
...and emotions and secrets.
...and heart.
and sitting there tonight. i realize the fight i've been making. i've noticed it, but i've never really made the distinction. my crusade against masks, against fallacy, against hiding one's true self -- have i used this as my own mask? my fear or shyness of letting someone inside this madness between my ears -- have i been hiding?
i am what i want to be. i do what i want to do. i am not and do not do what others want of me. this has been my dogma.
so, on the surface, i am following my creed.
but my core is still so deep inside. and the one person who dig deep and learn its secrets...
isn't.
niether my match nor my crutch know the path i walk. and i can't teach them how to walk it. i am a voice, but not a teacher. this curse of solitude, of self-control and hiding; my twisted brain waves and the damage i have caused in them -- these are what seal me inside.
this will be my end.
and it is fascinating to annalize myself as of late. an odd mix of melancholy and free-wheeling could be a sort of definition of this state i term 'floating.' it was a major factor in the demise of my relationship with xongo, though its end was long overdue and had multiple aspects against its continuance.
i need to fix this again.
elsewhere,
i'd like to thank monica for reminding me of a little bug i hadn't thought about in a while.
