an almost 'normal' diary entry
2001-06-29 - 9:59 a.m.

well, i'm officially a college student again.
right before i went to work on wednesday, i got a call from school saying i was reaccepted. now let's see if i don't fuck it up again by not doing any homework.

i don't think getting homework done will be a challenge this time tho. i'm living with sprite in a little house off of cherry st., therefore no one's gonna visit me, therefore i'll have nothing to do when i get home after classes, therefore i'll actually get work done to keep from getting bored.
granted, last time i was bored cuz no one came around i didn't do my homework. but last time, i was really depressed. most likely, i'll be so thrilled that i'm back in springfield that i won't be dark.

there is that possibility tho, that i'll be dpressed, because of the situation i illuded to two paragraphs ago. no one's gonna see me. because of the person i'm sharing the house with, even my dearest friends -- even one of the two guys who kept me from ending everything last time -- won't come visit. they're not gonna bother putting up with my roomie at all. it's just seems like a blatent statement that i'm not worth it.

xongo's gonna be in wisconsin again next year. hell, he's gonna be there next week to celebrate his birthday. i guess i'll use this week to see how well my head will hold up next year. it didn't do too well last year. major choices that rattle around in my head tend to rattle around in there for a long time until i've lost opportunities. i've thought i've lost this opportunity so many times, that i'm just flat-out fuckin' paranoid when i'm around the situation.
i feel sorry about anyone who might be reading this. you're really confused right now. but i'm not gonna explain it. one person knows about it, and that's how it's gonna stay for a long time. this just gives me an outlet to bitch.

well, smoked some bread with xongo and friends two nights in a row. really good kind shit. but what i'm really craving is A. it's so sad. but sometimes, the only thing that sounds like fun to do any particular night is do A. and go raving with mr. chicago.
i've been so bad to my body the past few years, especially with one of my classic extremes this past year. smoking bread, doing A., drinking go much i finally relocate the contents of my stomach to the toilet, fucking until the sun comes up. whatever happened to the pure body thing i was into for a while? that's something i'm supposed to be dedicated to for meditation. meanwhile, i'm looking into finding a design for my next tattoo.

bleed.
bleed the poison out
running down my skin
leave this body, poison!
you don't belong here!
my body, my temple
the temple has been raped and ravaged,
the walls torn down and the contents torn
rebuild!
rebuild!
the old must be all the way down first.
i'm not there yet.

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