sleep
2002-03-13 - 12:15 a.m.
here i am. sitting at *his* place. so fuckin' tired. he and pride are in the other room. we're watching interview for the second time.
i'm about to go insane. i've been listening to everyone else's problems. i never mind that. i usually welcome that. especially because it keeps my mind off my own problems. but in doing so this time, i'm getting my own problems thrown right back in my face. add to that how tired i am. staying up late, listening. then there's the drinking. that's never good.
i don't know what to do anymore. i know i can't keep doing this to myself. it's hurting me too much. and i know it's hurting others. it's why xongo and i ended so badly, and so late. i'm too focused to just give up. but at the same time...
what am i doing???? i'm letting myself fall into the same trap. i recognize it... i see when it happens... i fight to keep others out of it...
and yet...
i keep finding myself clenched in its jaws. it hurts. my blood is pouring out as if there's no end to the supply.
but eventually, i will be drained. and i'll need it to be replaced by those who helped squeeze the trap shut upon my body.
one of these days, he'll move on. he'll toss her away like all the others. and i'll still be here, cursing myself. hating myself. hating my life.
