why do i do this to myself?
2001-09-07 - 10:12 a.m.
time is flying so fast...
it's so disturbing. we've already had a full week of september.
this is such a strange feeling -- i fought so hard to get back to something cuz i missed it so much, but when i get there, i remember the things about it i don't like. i think to myself, "things have changed about this all. and i'm missing those things. if only they hadn't, i'd love this." but then i remember -- those things were all a lie. they didn't exist. just a lot of smoke and mirrors. then the old insecurities come full force. i can't talk about them -- pity is not my kind of game.
hating and loving something. that's what this is. kind like my life with demimetal. but that was when the lies were at full force.
i'm wondering what it's like to be 'normal' people my age. "young people think they know everything! they think they're invincible!" fuck... i wish i felt like that. i'd rather lie to myself about my immortality and my intellect than realize how stupid and small i am in this world. for years now, i've maintained that i know who i am. but i've even been questioning that recently. i knew myself then. but now? i don't know.
i could just be confusing myself. with everything going on, it's probably a bad time to analyze myself.
blood is red
bruises are blue
you fucked with my head
i'm so sick of you
